What I Wish I Could Have Told My Younger Self
This picture was taken for my MBA graduation. I had been working for a few years after my university undergrad and then college education when I decided to go back to school on weekends to pursue an MBA. When I graduated from this program, I was 27 years old. I had just signed on for a new job with General Motors and got my first signing bonus. In many ways, I was flying high on life and felt anything was possible. I was smart, super ambitious, and ready for anything that came my way…or so I thought.
After experiencing a brain injury 10 years ago, the death of my Dad and husband, Jeff, to cancer within a few years of each other, and then came the arrival of the COVID-19 pandemic, I had to reach down deeper within myself than I knew even existed.
What have I learned about life and my career along the way? And, what do I wish I could have told my younger self?
I had a belief in my younger years that hard work = success. I learned through my life’s experiences that sometimes you can work as hard as you possibly can, but some things won’t come to fruition. I have now changed my equation to hard work + letting go= the best outcome that is meant to be for me and others.
Life really can be short. Make the most of each day. I know it’s cliche but try not to sweat the small stuff.
Let go more. Control in life is an illusion.
Be proud of yourself. There was a time in my twenties and thirties when I was quite hard on myself. I was wired to jump quick and high. But that way of driving myself was unsustainable. True success comes when you can take a breath, and think of the bigger meaning behind your projects. Operating from that place makes all the difference.
Mindfulness has been a game-changer for me personally and professionally. I would have told my younger self that I know mindfulness sounds fluffy, but be open to it when it gets introduced (and then engrained in me) through brain rehab. It is a tool that’s been helpful to me, and that I have now shared with many other leaders to make major shifts, too.
Have patience. This is one I still struggle with from time-to-time, but I have come leaps and bounds in my patience since the days of my graduation 20 years ago. When I feel my patience started to fade, I try to remind myself that I am choosing to trust that some things are meant to happen at certain times.
People come into our lives for all kinds of purposes and for varying lengths of time. I wanted my husband, my Dad and other loved ones to be in my life a lot longer than they were. I pictured myself growing old with Jeff and watching our kids do all sorts of things in this life. But, he died when our kids were 8 and 10 years old. That will always feel heartbreaking to me. But, I am trying to feel gratitude for the chapters we had Jeff in our lives.
Go for it. This is a lesson I learned at an early age. I still feel the fear of stepping into something new, but it is important for me to live with no regrets. If my gut instinct tells me it is go-time, then, I find a way to follow that direction.
Life is full of challenges and kindness. I hadn’t faced much adversity until my 30s. In many ways, I had been flying under the radar of hard times and wasn’t even aware of how lucky I was. When challenges came, I took it day by day but it felt so tough. I felt alone. But, the reality is that there are so many people facing difficult times in their lives right now. And when we are open to it, we can see there is so much kindness in the world. In fact, going through challenges makes us more empathetic and opens us up to the opportunity to be kinder human beings if we so choose.
Take one day at a time. I have heard the saying that if a person focuses on the past, she/he/they are more prone to depression. If you focus on the future, you are more prone to anxiety. Well, I would fall more into the anxiety category as I had always been future-focused. But, when I suffered the brain injury and then when Jeff got sick, that all changed. I didn’t want to think about the future as I didn’t know what that would look like. For the first time in my life, the future looked like a black hole if something happened to Jeff. I didn’t have any idea how I would navigate it. There was no plan a, b and c. Either he survived or he died. And, he died. I never pictured myself raising kids without a Father to them in the picture. My Mom and Dad had a beautiful love story and both of them got to watch their kids graduate, get married, and have some grandkids. I know this time still feels too short for my Mom. But, I never got to see our story unfold with Jeff and that is part of the grief journey, too. But, being in this situation with someone I love so dearly who was terminally ill forced me to live in the moment. There was nowhere else I wanted to be. And now, just the busyness of being an only parent on the Earth during this COVID pandemic has kept me so busy that I really can only focus on one thing at a time and that is where I am in the moment.
Have fun. Anybody who knows me knows that I like to have fun. Before the brain injury, I would be 100 percent declared the life of the party. But my life’s experiences reeled me back. Now having fun takes on different, usually quieter forms than it did when I was back in those university days. I think as we get older our interests change and our energy levels are also different. I couldn’t pull off late nights out on the town as I did before. But, that is okay. I am at home within myself as to who I am as a woman at this stage in my life who has a lot to give to the world…just in different ways than before.
Everybody has their ‘stuff.’ Our stories may look different from each other, but we all face hardships, challenges, and joy. Remember the way people interact with us often has more to do with their stuff than the content of our interactions together.
Get out of my head. When I would listen to people, I would often be in my head too much at work trying to figure out what I wanted to say before they even finished their question or thought. Now, I have learned to be with people and really hear them. Then use my gut instinct to formulate any questions needed.
Trust myself.
Find worth of yourself within yourself. There is no denying that if I am honest with myself I placed some of the value of my self-worth upon how others viewed me or the work I did. During the good times, this may feel great when people are happy with you and sharing positive feedback. But, if someone is in a bad place themselves or not grooving what you are doing, then this can be a dangerous place to be if you have given away your validation to an external source. Feeling happy within yourself is a journey. Within this highly stimulated world, we are always receiving messages about who we ‘should’ be. But, I believe with life experience and by taking the time to really get to know yourself, you learn to let go of how others judge you and grow from a place of your own accord.
Live with no regrets. Trust your gut instinct and say what you want to say. Do what you want to do.
Love like there is no tomorrow. Because one of these days, that will be true.
Self-love is not selfish. It is a part of being your best version in the world.
Continue to take chances, even when you get older and become more settled in your ways.
You are strong.
Spending time comparing yourself to others is a futile exercise and a waste of time.
Focus more on the journey than the destination.
Don’t be so impressed by titles and money. You will learn there is a lot more important things in life.
Never give up on your dreams. Ever.
Our hearts will always carry loved ones with us no matter where we go.
Get comfortable within your own skin. That body is going to be stretched and will shift. Stop comparing yourself to the way you looked when you were younger and be grateful for what you have at each stage of your life. You are beautiful in so many ways.
The longer I live, the more I realize I have to learn. There have been times when I naively thought that I am understanding the flow of life. It isn’t long until something happens that makes me realize I don’t really have a clue. I am trying to learn to approach life with a beginner’s mind and be grateful for each day and each lesson.
