Why I Don’t Think We Can Ever Move Through Grief

After my husband Jeff died in 2019, I felt such raw and agonizing grief. I grieved for my kids who were 8 and 10 years old when their Dad died after a 2-year battle with esophageal cancer. I grieved for myself. And, I grieved for Jeff because he didn’t get the chance to live out the life he so desperately wanted, to grow old with me and watch our daughters at the different stages of their lives.

It has been four and a half years since he died, and I still grieve. And if you were to ask me 20 years from now (God willing we are still here on this Earth living healthy, happy lives!), I will continue to grieve the loss of Jeff.

Now that I have had the experience of intimately knowing grief, I don’t believe it is something we can move through. There is no end destination to get to here. Grief does not end. But, it changes.

I think grief is something we carry with us. At first, it is so heavy that it is suffocating. But, somehow the griever survives. They grow more resilient over time. They can carry the grief differently, growing muscles within their souls they had no idea existed before grief arrived on their doorsteps.

Grief’s pain will continue to soften. For me, the fun memories with Jeff continue to emerge amongst those memories of his sickness and struggle that still rattle my soul. I will always wish he got to do this life with me and help raise our daughters together. But, I walk into each moment still carrying his love with me. He still shapes our lives, just differently than I had ever envisioned.

My love and loss of Jeff have shaped who I am today in more ways than I can even count. It is interwoven into every fabric of my being.

This doesn’t mean that I define myself by grief. But, it does mean that it has impacted my foundation in a big way. I would not be near as empathetic, compassionate, thoughtful, or kind if it hadn’t been for my love and loss of Jeff. Even though there is pain in grief. There are things to be gained.

Grief is now as much a part of my story as other ‘positive’ experiences in my life. This is me, battle wounds, triumphs, and all. I have learned joy and grief, light and dark can co-exist.