What I Have Learned About Grief So Far
This past weekend, my daughters and I attended a family bereavement retreat called Camp Kerry in the Haliburton region of Ontario, Canada. My husband and my daughters’ Dad died two years ago of esophageal cancer. There is not a day that goes by that we don’t think of him.
There seems to be a lot of grief in the world right now. So many others have lost loved ones either through COVID-19 or other illnesses and injuries. You may be grieving a relationship that ended in divorce, a job loss or a life that didn’t turn out the way you had planned. And, there is also grieving of life as we knew it before the COVID-19 pandemic. I think this latter grief is one that is less obvious and we likely aren’t even fully aware of the havoc it is playing within us as we are still trying to ‘get through’ this period in time.
I am willing to bet that anyone reading this article is no stranger to grief at some level.
I have faced the kind of bring-me-to-my-knees and I can’t breathe grief. The day my husband died was the hardest day of my life. I had no idea how I was going to get up from his body that I was clinging desperately to after he exhaled his final breath. I did not want to go on. Yet, somehow I did.
I am not claiming my grief is over. That is far from the truth. I will grieve this relationship forever. It is part of my DNA now. But, it has expanded me in many ways too. I was broken open so vulnerable that I dared to share. Sharing our journeys is such a powerful tool in our own healing, but also it gives others permission to feel their own grief and know that they are not alone.
There is a difference between grieving and suffering. A person can choose to lie in bed and not eat or exercise and essentially curl up and give up. I understand doing that for a while. But you are then inflicted with extra pain and health issues on top of an already excruciating situation. You get to control taking care of yourself through your grief. You can’t control grief so easily. So take care of what is in your control because there is a lot that is not.
It is okay to cry.
It is okay to ask for help.
Read, learn and journal about grief. These are ways to help you work through your grief while allowing you to do some self-discovery/development work, too.
Connect with others and be around people who are also grieving.
Talk to a professional who can help you.
My late husband was about as grounded and down-to-earth as a person could be. When I would face a challenge, I would often ask for his advice. He always had good advice for me, but the closer he got to his death the more I heard him repeat the same piece of advice, “Carey-Ann, just take one day at a time.” I always felt better after hearing that from him. It was a reminder to give myself permission to take things one step at a time.
When you are grieving sometimes taking things one moment at a time is about all you can handle and that is okay. Be gentle with yourself.
