What I Know About Love

As many of you know, my husband Jeff died of esophageal cancer two and a half years ago. But three months before he died, he had a paralyzing stroke. He lost movement along the entire right side of his body and remained hospitalized. Eventually with extensive rehab, some of the movement in his hand returned.

As part of his rehab, he had to write a few words each day. He decided to write “I love you, Carey-Ann.” He wrote this every day until he became too weak to write. Jeff’s dedication to his physical rehabilitation in the midst of fighting stage 4 terminal cancer was inspirational. But, his dedication to loving me and our daughters was the stuff of storybooks.

There may be a lot of things I still need to learn about in this world, but I have learned a lot about love. Not only did I receive such amazing love from Jeff, but I loved him in return fully and completely. I know he died feeling immensely cherished by me. I have no regrets. We left it all on the dancefloor.

It was recently brought to my attention by friends (both single and married!) that they’ve never had what I did with Jeff. Maybe I got lucky, but I think there was a bit more to it than that. I am not a relationship expert, but there are some things I want to share with you. And maybe, these thoughts can be a reminder to you in your current relationship or along your journey to find true love.

What I Know About Love

1. Jeff and I entered into our relationship as two self-assured individuals who knew themselves well. We had experienced life and were ready to commit to a healthy relationship.

2. You can’t keep score in love. There needn’t be any tally charts about who is doing more for the other person. When both individuals are giving their all to each other, then the tally charts become irrelevant.

3. Physical chemistry counts. Physical attraction isn’t everything, but that person has to give you butterflies. And, some of those feelings will come from the physical connection you have together.

4. Shared values are important. You don’t have to be a carbon copy of the same person. That would make for boring dinner conversation! But, having similar values saves a lot of precious time fighting over the core principles each individual lives by.

5. Treat your partner like they are the most important person in the world (because they are! You hopefully will live out the rest of your days with he/she/them) I wanted Jeff to know how loved he was every day. I wasn’t doing this to check off any boxes, but because it came from the heart. He treated me the same way. When you truly love someone, you want to build them up.

6. Don’t talk badly about your partner to others. If you are really that annoyed by your partner that you want to vent about them regularly to other people, then they might not be for you. I’ve never once talked badly about Jeff to anyone in our 15 years together and I know that the same was true for him. If you have problems with your partner, take it up with them.

7. Date often, no matter how long you’ve been together. Research shows that the initial ‘new butterflies type of love’ can last for 1 - 2 years of a relationship. Then you settle into a more comfortable, relaxed rhythm. But this doesn’t mean you just sit around and watch TV together in your PJS all the time(although that can be fun, too!) but keep romancing each other. Go for dinner, romantic walks, attend fun events. Keep enjoying life together.

8. Sweat the small stuff. When it comes to relationships, the small stuff is key. Leaving a note for a loved one before you leave the house. A thoughtful text message or even just taking the time to ask them about an important meeting. All of the small stuff we do each day in a committed relationship is what adds up to a big deal down the road.

9. Tell the truth. I know couples who lie to each other because they don’t want to deal with the other one getting angry with them if they tell the truth. We all know where this path leads. Eventually, the truth surfaces to the top. And once we lie to our partner, trust is eroded and that can completely spin a relationship apart.

10. Stand by Your Man/Woman/Partner. It is easy to love someone when things are going smoothly in life. But when tough things happen (and eventually they will), that is a true test of the relationship as well as the strength of the individuals within it. This doesn’t mean you should stay in a toxic relationship or be with someone you don’t love. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is leave. But when you are in a committed relationship with a person you love who treats you with mutual respect and love, the storms are still going to rage, and you need to be able to throw your person a life preserver or go dive in and get them and vice versa. I can tell you that there was nothing that Jeff and I wouldn’t do for each other. Have each other’s backs in good times and in bad.

11. When you give your heart to someone, love them each day like it could be their last day. Because one of these days it will be.